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I was totally blindsidedit felt like whiplash," says Stephanie Klein, 34, of her short-lived marriage in her twenties. "My life was charging forward, down the path that I had planned, and then, out of what felt like nowhere, we stopped short, and everything I knew to be true just wasn't anymore."
At the time, Kleinnow a photographer and author in Austin, Texashad everything a modern woman could want: the handsome and charming surgeon husband, the luxe pad in Manhattan, the hotshot job at an ad agency. After seeing him through med school and living with him for two years, she married him at age 24. Lacing up in lingerie, hosting game nights, signing his name to family birthday cards... "I didn't just love being married," she says, "I was good at it. And I thought he was too."
Then, when Klein was pregnant at the age of 27, her husband started getting laser hair removal, dousing himself in cologne, and wearing Prada. Turns out that, even though he was having sex with her after shopping for curtains for the baby's room, he was running around town with another woman. When she confronted him with evidence of his behavior, he unashamedly admitted: "Now that I'm a doctor, I'm in a whole new league."
And that is how the wheels came off her marriage and how Stephanie Klein unwittingly became a starter wife at the age of 29.
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She has plenty of company these days. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 10 percent of all women are divorced by 30. Klein's five-year marriage isn't unusual: Twenty percent of all marriages fail within five years, and of those, one in four end within two years.
The reasons for this are as multifaceted as a brilliant-cut diamond. Experts blame an instant-gratification, throwaway-mentality culture that serves up such matchmaking rubbish as The Bachelor, as well as an adolescence that may extend into one's twenties. The experts also point to a rejection of the traditional pot-roast-and-infidelity model of marriage without a workable replacement, and a legacy passed down from parents who split during the '80s divorce spike (the children of whom are 89 percent more likely to get divorced themselves). Another factor: The delay in childbirth, coupled with the rise in lucrative careers for women, is a combination that makes for a less messy, financially feasible unhitching of the wagon for females, who file for two out of every three divorces today.
"Marrying later has lowered the risk somewhat for quick divorces, but on the other hand, people are doing a lot of things during that waiting period that are not helping," says Scott Stanley, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Having more sexual partners, conceiving kids out of wedlock, and living together before engagementall skyrocketing among today's 20-somethingsincrease the risk of becoming a starter wife, he says.
In new research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, Stanley and his team use an idea he calls "inertia theory" to explain why these are marriage-busting trends. "Some people end up marrying someone they would have broken up with had they just been dating," he says. Because of, say, a shared lease or kids, they slide into marriage, instead of deciding to marry. "Our main research finding is that people increase their risk of divorce by doing things that make it harder to split up before deciding if a future together is wise."
And that's exactly what happened to Claire Petretti after she fell in love with a gorgeous surfer in San Diego in her early twenties and moved in with him three months later. "I wish we hadn't lived together. I don't think we ever would have gotten married," she says today of her 14-month drive-by union. But they had a house and a dog. The commitment just made sense. Until it didn't.
Last updated: March 23, 2010 Issue date: April 2010
MARRIAGE HELP
Happy Marriage: How Not to Be the Starter Wife
In our culture of disposable "I dos," many new marriages end in splitsville. But you're not playing house, you're playing for keeps! Read this to make sure your bond stays strong
Gretchen Voss
I was totally blindsidedit felt like whiplash," says Stephanie Klein, 34, of her short-lived marriage in her twenties. "My life was charging forward, down the path that I had planned, and then, out of what felt like nowhere, we stopped short, and everything I knew to be true just wasn't anymore."
At the time, Kleinnow a photographer and author in Austin, Texashad everything a modern woman could want: the handsome and charming surgeon husband, the luxe pad in Manhattan, the hotshot job at an ad agency. After seeing him through med school and living with him for two years, she married him at age 24. Lacing up in lingerie, hosting game nights, signing his name to family birthday cards... "I didn't just love being married," she says, "I was good at it. And I thought he was too."
Then, when Klein was pregnant at the age of 27, her husband started getting laser hair removal, dousing himself in cologne, and wearing Prada. Turns out that, even though he was having sex with her after shopping for curtains for the baby's room, he was running around town with another woman. When she confronted him with evidence of his behavior, he unashamedly admitted: "Now that I'm a doctor, I'm in a whole new league."
And that is how the wheels came off her marriage and how Stephanie Klein unwittingly became a starter wife at the age of 29.
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She has plenty of company these days. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 10 percent of all women are divorced by 30. Klein's five-year marriage isn't unusual: Twenty percent of all marriages fail within five years, and of those, one in four end within two years.
The reasons for this are as multifaceted as a brilliant-cut diamond. Experts blame an instant-gratification, throwaway-mentality culture that serves up such matchmaking rubbish as The Bachelor, as well as an adolescence that may extend into one's twenties. The experts also point to a rejection of the traditional pot-roast-and-infidelity model of marriage without a workable replacement, and a legacy passed down from parents who split during the '80s divorce spike (the children of whom are 89 percent more likely to get divorced themselves). Another factor: The delay in childbirth, coupled with the rise in lucrative careers for women, is a combination that makes for a less messy, financially feasible unhitching of the wagon for females, who file for two out of every three divorces today.
"Marrying later has lowered the risk somewhat for quick divorces, but on the other hand, people are doing a lot of things during that waiting period that are not helping," says Scott Stanley, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Having more sexual partners, conceiving kids out of wedlock, and living together before engagementall skyrocketing among today's 20-somethingsincrease the risk of becoming a starter wife, he says.
In new research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, Stanley and his team use an idea he calls "inertia theory" to explain why these are marriage-busting trends. "Some people end up marrying someone they would have broken up with had they just been dating," he says. Because of, say, a shared lease or kids, they slide into marriage, instead of deciding to marry. "Our main research finding is that people increase their risk of divorce by doing things that make it harder to split up before deciding if a future together is wise."
And that's exactly what happened to Claire Petretti after she fell in love with a gorgeous surfer in San Diego in her early twenties and moved in with him three months later. "I wish we hadn't lived together. I don't think we ever would have gotten married," she says today of her 14-month drive-by union. But they had a house and a dog. The commitment just made sense. Until it didn't.
Last updated: March 23, 2010 Issue date: April 2010
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First off, I just want to say that I know I'm not an English Professor, but good lord this article needs to be edited. A couple of times it was pretty hard to see what was being said.
That said, I think it's some...interesting advice. I agree that a married couple has to learn to work through differences, and "ride the waves". The man I'm married to I've been very good friends with for 8 years. We just got married, but we've been through so much together already, we don't feel daunted by anything. We're definitely ready to fight for us - through the good and the bad.
After being in a relationship for 8 years and then married for 9, I found myself pregnant and in the process of divorce at the age of 35. I'm now 46 but I look at both my Parents' generation and mine and have to note that the majority of those relationships no longer exist either. I believe divorce is a result of bad decisions to begin with and how people overlook the red flags of relationships before they get married. Through therapy I realized that somewhere along the line, I stopped listening to my intuition about my ex. There were issues never dealt with regarding his childhood that I was constantly trying to fix. It came to a head when I announced I was pregnant, (after planning for a year). Infidelity on his part followed. Looking back, I should have realized how truly broken he was and that the relationship was doomed from the start. I wish I'd learned about 'red flags' in high school to understand some of the do's and don't's of relationships. If more people understood that divorce isn't simply walking out the door; that it is a painfully emotional, physically, psychologically and financially draining process, they might not be so quick to get married in the first place, particularly if the person you're with is already exhibiting those red flags. I carried my ex for 17 years, both emotionally and financially. I thought we were working towards a common goal while I supported his university education fees. I'm glad he's gone now. I now have only one child to raise rather than 2. I still believe there are such things as good marriages but next time, I'll choose someone who is emotionally stronger, supportive and has high self esteem and isn't looking for a mommy.
The reality of marriage banged to my head (though I'm still single) when my mom opened up about her internal conflict with my dad. My mom is a devoted Catholic but my dad wasn't. He was baptized to my mom's religion just before the matrimony. My mom dreamed of dad going to church with her. Time came that my dad's faith started to fell apart which broke my mom's heart. This was her struggle with marriage. As the eldest, I told my mom that she had to deal with it because she didn't marry somebody who wasn't get used to go to church regularly. I also said to mom that she must lessen her expectations especially with dad. Now, she learned to tame herself to survive their relationship though she always complain of being the one who "understand first," "forgive first," in other words the one who takes the first move. I made a part to solve their conflict but I'm not sure at this age of 27 if I'm ready to get marry. But then, if getting married is my calling then I have to embrace it no matter what. Although there are ups and downs of marriage, I'm still dreaming to be a wedded wife.
I really like the fitness and nutrition advice on this site but these relationship articles are a bit cuckoo.
new solution: take the pressure of getting married. Marriage is a social construct from times when it was necessary for subsistence and children and social status.
I won't spoil my relationship with this outdated construct, especially since I can support myself quite well. Women don't need to marry in order to be happy/fulfilled.
Hi love,
I just read this article and I have to say: I think we have what we need to make our marriage last. We are not perfect, as no human being is. However, we both are willing to work hard, don't expect our life to be a honeymoon and we are not afraid of weathering the bad storms with the calmness. In our 3 years of dating we have gone through a lot together--and in a few months, we will be going through more together. I am glad I have you to spend my life with. :) Now...if we can just hunt down the young married couple to hang-out with. :)
Love you,
Lisa
Have you been through the same thing? Let us know--we may want to interview you on television!
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/are-you-a-starter-w...
Wow - I unexpectedly received a lot of good advice from this article. I'm not married, nor have I ever been. But my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, and the thought of marrying him has been on my mind for a while. However, it's not like you would think. I'm not wanting to get married. At least not for a long time. I feel that I don't have the sensations and feelings that one should have when they talk of getting married. And I've on-and-off thought about the idea that he may not be the one for me. But then I realize I don't want to be without him. Not sure what to make of it, but this article opened my eyes to many things. Mainly: he's not perfect, nor am I. Maybe he will be my future husband, maybe he won't. For now, we're happy, and are going to continue to "Ride the wave." :)
Learn how to ride the waves. That is great advice. At times when we feel like you have the 'right' to get a divorce we need to see it as a down time in our marriage.
Just because it is ok for people in abusive relationships to get divorced doesn't mean it makes sense as an emergency button for the rest of us. Hopefully I will remember that when it's my time. I have been married for only 3 years, we can only wait and see how well I learn this lesson.
Is Divorce Contagious? Yes, my wife has twice started hanging around "friends". Well, those friends were having problems in there marriages and that began to rub off on my wife. I would STRONGLY suggest to stop hanging around them so much and she would get upset and want to argue with me all the time. Come to find out it was as if she was trying to use her friends reasons to destroy our relationship. Once she would step away from her friends she could see the error of her ways. Things would be fine, until the next set of friends had their problems..... In a nut shell, women talk about their problems to each other and shouldn't do that. They should go to a professional so they don't somehow inadvertently convince their friends that they too have problems when actually they don't.